Colossopendium of New, Revolutionary Sex Positions

In another attempt to get my friends interested in Achewood, I am transcribing an article from the Achewood zine Man Why You Even Got to Do a Thing, written by Ed E. Haskell (aka Roast Beef [aka Chris Onstad]).

Stick of Nitroglycerin
As everyone knows, a stick of nitroglycerin is extremely dangerous, likely to explode at the slightest scrape or movement. In this position, the lady treats your "companion" like it could blow up at any moment, and moves extremely slow and careful as you lay on your back and "have wood." It is extremely important that she is nervous, and has shop goggles on. If either of you talks, the other person has to say "ssssh!"

The Sugar Loaf
The man lies on his side under a single white sheet, curled in the fetal position. The sheet is tucked pretty tightly around him. He is in the middle of the bed. When he hears the lady come into the room, he quietly says, "don't you want to examine this sugar loaf?"

The Gammalon
This is the only sex position believed in by the Church of Scientology. It is said to lead to superior offspring. The principle is that by lying on one's back on a large ball or convex mattress, with the man's "companion" being the highest point of the body, only his strongest seed are able to scale the heights. This concept is easily disproven when one considers that seed are always scaling that height whever the dude is on his back, not just when he's on a dome-shaped mattress.

The Stick It To Ya
Not as raunchy or straightforward as it would seem, this position is actually all about the lady. There is almost no literal "sticking" of "it" to anyone. In fact there is no penetration of any kind. This position is bad. It is pretty weird for the couple. In this position, the lady dies and the man if foreced to grapple with the tragedy alone. They may not even be at the same place when she passes. He may hear about it on the phone.